Here is another incredible entry by Zeus, with his unique perspective on the current events of college and pro football:
1. The Real Deal – Wild Card weekend did nothing to advance Commissioner Blockhead’s dimwitted idea to expand the playoff field. For the most part, the losers looked like they didn’t belong in the tournament. There’s reason to expect better – much better – with the divisional playoffs this week.
2. Playoffs Make Strange Bedfellows – We’ll all spend Saturday afternoon rooting for the Baltimore Ravens, an idea that makes me want to take a long, hot shower with industrial strength caustic detergents and a huge wire brush. It is a strange world indeed that regards a 37 year old man performing something called a “Squirrel Dance” to be a profound and enduring act of leadership. (This is a stark contrast to Tom Brady’s pre-game ritual – “All right, let’s go fellas.”) Still, a victory by the Ravens on Saturday would only heighten the frenzy of Sunday afternoon in Foxboro.
3. Choose Your Poison – In a few short months, sports fans in the District of Columbia have criticized their baseball team for mothballing franchise starting pitcher Steven Strasburg during the playoffs and their football team for sending franchise QB RG III into the heat of playoff battle with his knee dangling my the merest thread of remaining ligament. You can’t have it both ways. In the aftermath, Redskins coach Mike Shanahan (University of Weird) came off as lame and clueless. Hard to imagine that Redskin owner and part-reptile Dan (Call Me Mr.) Snyder is amused.
4. Permanent Ignore – Much ado about Dan Shaughnessy’s slap job on the Texans this week. CHB continues to recycle tired old tropes with alarming frequency, an insult to his employer and to whatever readers haven’t already become disgusted with this nonstop torrent of drivel. There is a big difference between being an iconoclast and a knee-jerk contrarian.
His dismissal of anything he doesn’t like as arrogance or hubriis is about as condescending as it gets. And his characterization of Belichick’s coaching as the “joyless pursuit of excellence” is just priceless since Shaughnessy himself despises nearly everything associated with sports – players, coaches, owner and fans alike. Count me out – I’m done with it. Time for Dan to go away and find something else to do.
5. Offseason Antics in the AFC Least– Free from the daunting responsibilities posed by playoff competition, the other members of the AFC East have intrepidly set off to better their lot in life in intriguing ways.
- The Bills search for a new head coach was marked by a distinct air of fatalism. The hiring of Syracuse coach Doug Marrone is primarily motivated by a desire to minimize moving expenses. Given the Bills’ sorry history of utter ineptitude in judging coaching talent, why bother spending the money to move some unqualified boob in from out of state when you can give the job to a similarly incompetent schmo who lives just two hours east on the New York Turnpike. Money saved, same outcome. That’s what we call good management.
- In Miami, owner Stephen Ross has displayed a laser-like focus on getting the one thing the team requires to get to the next level: a new logo. Expect big things from the Dolphins once the new cartoon is in place.
- Circumstances require that the jets’ become creative in their search for a new general manager. So far, the GM position has been turned down by every living, breathing sentient being who has ever even heard of American Professional Football. The list of remaining candidates includes cartoon characters (Ren, but not Stimpy), space aliens, and plankton.
6. The Book of Moron – When The Big Boss has a King Hell case of The Stoopid, you’re pretty much screwed six ways to Sunday. That’s the way it is in Dallas and New Jersey, where epic mismanagement lays the groundwork for consistent, monumental failure at all levels of the organization with no end in sight. Which is as it should be.
7. Just Asking – Speaking of which, you’d think the Madison Avenue advertising types would be in a complete froth about acquiring the services of the jets owner as a spokesperson for erectile dysfunctions medication. “This is Woody Johnson for Viagra …” has quite a ring to it.
8. The Purity of Amateur Athletic Competition – The Football Computers and Formulae (aided and abetted by The Sporting Press) arrived at the determination that Notre Dame was Numero Uno in the Kingdom of College Football, setting the stage for the so-called National Championship game. This proved to be one of The Biggest Frauds ever perpetrated on the American Sporting Public (as well as ESPN and their sponsors who shelled out $gazillions for the right to televise this travesty). Alabama had to make a concerted effort not to score 100 points against the woefully under matched #1 team in the country and their screaming lunatic of a head coach. This is precisely what the Greedmeisters of the NCAA hath wrought – a meaningless spectacle all in the name of MONEY.
9. Redneck Royal Couple – There’s a state law that requires the arranged marriage of the Tide’s QB1 and Miss Alabama (even if they are brother and sister). Somebody should have told Brent ahead of time.
10. Go Patriots – Tough matchup, big game, crazy crowd. The players, coaches and fans have been waiting all year for this. Hope you enjoy the game with people you care about. And I really hope there’s another game next week.
Thanks much to Zeus for allowing me to publish his work here in this space!
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