Today it gives me great pleasure to hand the keys over to a special guest for today’s entry. A VIP at PatsFans.com, Zeus has graciously agreed to share with us his unique perspective on the latest happenings around the NFL; enjoy.
1. Despite numerous well documented and thoroughly discussed shortcomings, the 2011 Patriots have proven to be a resilient bunch. For the first six minutes last week, the Dream Time physically overpowered NE, dominating both sides of the ball and outgaining the Patriots 139-9 while jumping to a quick 10-0 lead. There’s not a lot of teams who could maintain their poise as well as NE did last week, especially on the road. At that point in the game, I can’t imagine a lot of people saw a New England blow-out coming. Video of the game will reside at the BB Bend But Don’t Break Museum in perpetuity.
2. This week, the traveling freak show known as the Indianapolis Colts rolls into town on four flat tires. The positive feelings from the Colts stellar performance during the bye week (undefeated!) have dissipated quickly in the wake of last week’s ritual stomping at the hands of the Carolina juggernaut. Well, I guess enough is enough, even for the Colt Idiot Brain Trust (Irsay Jr., NaPolians I and II). Now is the time for The Unholy Trinity to take decisive action, to wit:
1) bench QB Curtis (Cotton Eye Joe) Painter;
2) fire defensive coordinator Larry Coyer;
3) slash the pay/ benefits of the little old ladies with the funny hair nets who work in the cafeteria;
4) beat up third graders at school bus stops and steal their lunch money;
5) kick family dog and set cat on fire;
6) run over Indianapolis Star columnist Bob Kravitz with team snowplow.
None of this is expected to make any difference whatsoever other than to make NaPolian I feel better, for ten minutes or so. Anger management counseling may well be in order here.
3. It’s old news now, but I still can’t believe the Colts passed on Kyle Orton. It must be galling to proud veterans such as Saturday, Wayne, Freeney and Mathis to have team management out-and-out tank the season in such a public and blatant fashion. And just where the hell is Commissioner Dudley Do-Right while the Colts are defrauding the fans, networks and sponsors by only pretending to play football?
4. This Gives Me a Headache Dept – For the second time this season, Steeler safety (and Head & Shoulders spokes-do) Troy Polumalu was forced to leave a game with “concussion-like symptoms.” Let’s see – guy gets smashed in the head, is disoriented and unsteady on his feet. Not a concussion though. Nope. Concussion-like symptoms. No problem. Send him back out there next week. It’s not altogether clear that the Steelers got the e-mails about player safety and the terrible danger posed by repeated blows to the head.
5. This Gives Me an Even BIGGER Headache Dept – It was bad enough to watch the Bills gift-wrap the game for the jets last week. But, why oh why, in the name of all that is decent, must we be subjected to that flagrant jet homer and disgusting pervert-clad-in-dainty-undergarments Marv (Bite Me) Albert? My personal disgust reached its pinnacle when Bite Me went on and on about how if the Eagles beat the Patriots later in the day (please, please, please let the Eagles win and I promise I’ll stop wearing crotchless panties in the broadcast booth!!!), then the jets would be just one measly game behind NE (tiebreakers be damned). Jesus. Anyone who didn’t take a shower immediately after being exposed to that will need years of intensive psychotherapy.
6. Fat Rex Declares War on Gastric Lap Band – Rex required medical attention at the Denver airport due to indigestion caused by the cosmic battle between his no doubt gargantuan post-game (goddam) snack and the aforementioned (and, let’s face it, frankly overmatched) lap band. Rex thought that after the surgery, he could still consume 8-10,000 calories per day and lose weight. No wonder he still looks like an aircraft carrier.
7. Anyone who thinks that teams are not as adept as they should be at evaluating player talent might consider the curious cases of Ndamukong (A Boy Named) Suh, Chris Johnson, and Peyton Hillis. Based on their performances in 2010, anyone would have wanted these guys on their team. Based on what’s happened in 2011, not so much. There are many variables – a lack of discipline, a change in attitude after receiving a big contract, or the slightest loss of desire or competitive will can make all the difference in the world.
8. So the Patriots have far and away the easiest remaining schedule in the history of the universe? No so fast. Pats’ remaining opponents (18-37) are pretty comparable to the Ravens (19-36). The Steelers (26-27) are at a disadvantage, mostly because they play the 49ers instead of the woebegone Colts.
9. Those who (perhaps correctly) like to harp on the Patriots’ defensive inadequacies often point out that NE has given up a league worst 58 pass plays of 20 yards or longer (GB is second worst with 47). What is not often mentioned is that NE has only given up only four plays of 40 yards or longer (third best in the league) and two of those happened in the first six minutes of last week’s game! That, my friends, is Bend But Don’t Break. As they say, you never see yards gained or allowed up on the scoreboard. All that matters is points.
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